All the Things That I've Done

zaereph:

Hello
Allow me to introduce myself
One of myself
The self I made special
Just for you
because I thought you would like it.
But not too special
You see I make one for everyone
I just like this one the best
Because I wore the idea
Of a me that was made for you
Like a favorite sweater
You know
Sentimental value and
all that.

You don’t like it do you?
Don’t lie, your eyes already
told me everything.
Don’t worry
I’ll just make another one
You’re bound to like
one of me.

Hello
Allow me to introduce myself
I am a storm
A force of nature
A force to be reckoned with
My surgewater soul
My hurricane heart
Will drag you out to sea
And keep you there
Tossing, no, rocking you
Natural disasters have no notion
of tenderness
I guess no one ever told you
Storms are only beautiful
From a safe distance
and in concept.

What’s that?
You can’t swim?
You should have mentioned that
back at shore.  

Hello
Allow me to introduce myself
I am a disease
of the most virulent kind
I will infect you
With my bacteria-self
The microbes of me
Will make homes of your eyes
Until you hallucinate a reality
in which this is healthy
While I tiptoe through your veins
Seep into your heart
I’ll eat you from the inside out
Consume you cell by cell
And the worst of it is
You won’t even realize
I’m killing you.

Did I mention
The only solution
is amputation?
What are you doing with that
knife?

Hello
Allow me to introduce myself
I am a hope you had
for a better life
I am everything you need
An ocean of understanding
The very embodiment
Of lightheartedness and grace
In whose soul sits a songbird.
I am not shattered into
A thousand shards of me
My thoughts are not
Slicing me apart like razorblades
I’m one whole person
about one day a week.
The rest of the time
I’m just
everything else.

Wait a minute
You wanted me
to be me all the time?
Well at least we have
that much in common.

Hello
Allow me to introduce myself
I am nothing
Before I become
a thing you regret
The least of your worries
Until suddenly I’m all of them
The antidote until
One day I am the poison
You won’t remember
How it began
It wasn’t nearly so remarkable
As the magnificence of
the flames in which it ended
Maybe the fire
Will finally reduce me
to something simple.

Could you love me
If I was simple?
If I was boiled away
To just one thing
Could you still call it
me?

Hello
Allow me to introduce myself
and myself
and myself.
I am too much
Too many
I have to go now

Goodbye.

amethystdaylai:

“

i love the way the sun & the moon break, the way your body writes words into mine, the way autumn kisses both the spring & the winter, the way grief spills love into every inch of my skin. i love you with abandon. i love myself with distaste. i will never be the same, but i’ll learn to like it this way.

”

—am i manic in this half-gray day?

muhfuhka:

when the people i thought would understand me the most completely don’t and it throws your whole trust and safety with them out the window

cause if you of all people don’t understand why i’m being this way or don’t even care to enquire into my current state of wellbeing or at the very least give me a chance to explain myself then how can i be myself or reach out to them for help if it results in being judged and basically shamed?? ?

i forgot how much it hurts when i need attention & love but the people you thought would be there are oblivious to everything about me rn

borderlinehuman:

The worst thing about being a quiet borderline is that you have all the urges and desires to go out and partake in all kinds of risky behaviors. You want to have tons of unsafe sex, you want to throw tantrums, you want chain smoke for hours, you want throw things at people, you want to scream, you want to fight, you want to get lost in night clubs, you want to drink until you vomit and pass out, you want to get high as fuck, you want to seduce people, you want to steal things, be deep as fuck, run away, crash your car, run in front of a train, you want to starve yourself and strip yourself down to nothing for someone else’s pleasure. You want all of it but the fear holds you back, the fear of hurting others, causing drama, causing pain and the regret that comes afterwards. You fear all that so instead you shut down, You disassociate, you hold it all in until you finally blow up at the people you adore the most. So you’re not just a broken person, you’re not just a drama queen, you are a useless and meaningless pain in the ass. Because at the end of the day all that drama, all that intense excitement and insanity is all that makes a borderline worth living. It’s the only reason they like us around. To inspire them in writing their disgusting little novels about the intellegent crazy lady who leads them down the wrong path. To help write their sad poems about the wild and free girls who need to be tamed. To write their sad breakup songs about the girl who can’t stay. That’s all we’re worth at the end of the day and when you can’t even preform your only part successfully what you have left is nothing. All you have left is a reminder that you really have no place in the world.

(via borderlinehuman-deactivated2018)

saddestspaghetti:

So, an ongoing theme in the mental health community is “I am not my illness” but I think maybe that isn’t true for everyone, definitely not me. For me there is no line where one ends and the other begins. It is me and I am my mental illness. I’m not only my mental illness but I am my mental illness. It is so deeply a part of who I am, it dictates the kind of people I’m drawn to and even the things I like.
I have a personality disorder.
There is no “me” without it. I wish I could say that I am separate from my sickness but I’m not. And I will never be.

ghost-of-bpd:

I want to be adorable; wear baggy clothes and feel tiny, have my hair as a messy bun, wear my glasses and fell asleep in a tiny couch.

I want to be cute; make sure my hair is combed well, wear flowery skirts and white socks, along with stylish shoes.

But I also want to be that mysterious girl; nearly-dirty hair falling to her face, her eyes dark with smeared make up, her long and skinny fingers holding a cigarette while she puts her heavy boots on the table, looking too cool to be even asked about her problems.

Or that cheerful girl, that always smiles, and has a perfect social life, but has to take 5 pills to get through a day even thought nobody knows that. 

Or maybe the girl with a cool sense of style; looking like she has a meeting in 5 minutes, her life always planned, her notebooks covered with perfect writings about future.

But I also want to be the girl who never makes plans; always living according to her mood, never predictable.

Do you see the problem?

ecliptis:

That BPD feel when you apologize to people when they’re being shitty and hurtful to you to avoid abandonement :/

bpdelicacy:

shout out to mentally ill people who don’t go everyday to classes like me because they struggle a lot with what’s going on through their heads. i have constant breakdowns because everyone keeps pressing me and no one notices how hard it is to wake up, get up and go to school. you are really strong and don’t worry about missing classes, your mental health always comes first.

survivingwithoutsunshine:

me to other people: every emotion you feel is valid! you can express any emotion you want as long as you arent hurting anyone!!

me to me: uhm no you shouldnt express any emotion except happiness bc if you express any negative feelings youre being abusive !!!! youre so

manipulative!!! just keep your feelings to yourself until you explode